Chocolate chip cookies.

Last night's dinner was one of the most difficult to get through. We ate at Trulucks to celebrate the completion of a class that the boy had been working incredibly hard on.  I was proud of him and wanted to spend the evening enjoying each others company at one of my favorite restaurants downtown.  The service was great, the seafood fresh, the steaks... oh the steaks. The 16 oz ribeye Chimichurrie style with a horseradish-goat cheese over garlic mash potatoes couldn't be beat. It was this intimate, delicious setup which made it all the more painful to endure such an emotionally tormenting evening.   The buckets of words that went missing were replaced by tears and frown wrinkles and the false excitement we both put on when the server came our direction.  Whatever switch that had switched needed to be switched back.  It was so sudden, so unexpected, that there really wasn't much hope for redemption of the evening.  The rest of the night was followed by questions of the security of our future together, escape plans, and more tears.  I finally had the realization that I may not win this battle.  For months I thought that if I fixed me, fixed my daddy issues, and fixed my communication style, I could win this. I would win this. I knew it would take time. I read books, took on a therapist, moved back in, gave up old friends, and started a new job. I thought that if I just stayed patient and kept trying, I would get what I want. If I was honest, I would get what I want. I would get loving looks from the boy again. I would get the "I love you"'s back.  I would get the security and comfort and maybe, just maybe one day get the trust that I'm not sure was ever there. If I did all the right things, I would get what I want. I would get my love back.

I'm probably not going to get what I want.  I'm afraid the reservations he has are a mountain too high to bring down.  There is no security, no trust, and probably no love. Instead, there's a sinking emptiness in the pit of my stomach. There's hopelessness. There's fear. There's loss. But there are also chocolate chip cookies from Trulucks in the fridge that I'm about the indulge, as well a therapy session on Saturday morning.  Things may change tomorrow, but for tonight, I'll focus on the cookies.