I grew learning "if a, then b". If you do well in elementary school, you are likely to do well in junior high. If you excel in college, you will find a high paying job. If you tithe ten percent, Jesus will bless you tenfold. Unfortunately, the negative consequential series can apply as well. "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth". If you don't accept Jesus in your heart, you will burn for eternity in hell.
As a child, these same rules applied to every aspect of my life. I've learned in the recent past that while most children are taught consequences, it wasn't taught nearly to the extent that I learned these lessons. Bible versus teaching me that if you sway from the path of God, God a) will strike down and kill your family or b) have you swallowed up by a whale or c) send droves of bugs to your backyard (or any combination of the above). Not only will God take direct action, but he encourages your family and friends to disown you if you fall away. As an 8 year old, the idea that locus's will invade my swingset and my parents will kick me out if I do any wrong was terrifying. As an 8 year old, therefore, I made sure I was a darn good 8 year old.
While I grew up and developed a deeper understanding of those lessons (it was a big fish, not a whale, and locus's are kind of cool), there were a few fairly straightforward lessons I couldn't shake. In the books of Matthew and 1 Corinthians, the process and examples of expelling a member from your church and family are spelled out quite clearly: if you go against the church and its teachings, you will be kicked out. Not only will you be expelled from the church, but your family and friends must abide by the church's example and have nothing to do with you until you turn from your wicked ways. So even if I disagree and have a logical argument as to why whatever teaching at hand may be wrong, I'm going to be disowned? As an awkward kid with few friends, the threat of being disowned by the church and my family was too much to bear. Because my father was the pastor of my church, there was no hope in the notion that maybe my family would be better than that and show more love and compassion than the members of the church. I was raised to do exactly as I was told for fear of inevitable consequences.
As an adult, my father frequently sends me emails telling me that if I continue my current relationship, he will disown me. On the other hand, the love of my life is telling me that he loves me unconditionally, and always will. We have our hard times. Last night was one of them. He feels betrayed and hurt, and understandably so. I continue to do things that are thoughtless, causing in him further pain and the desire to end the relationship. He's stuck it out so far, and while I'm not sure how much longer he can last, he continues to push onward.
To have someone I've hurt so much tell me in the midst of his pain that he loves me unconditionally has been something incredibly hard for me to understand. He, as an individual person, loves me more than my own parents. At the same time, a relationship is a thing, not a person, and its love and strength is conditional. I can't expect him to stay in a relationship that is causing him daily pain. I can't bear continuing to cause that in him. He deserves some comfort and peace. I'm learning everyday how to be a better person for him and myself, but he doesn't deserve to suffer those growing pains.
While I'm not sure what the fate of this relationship will be, and I'm positive it will soon be revealed, I am forever grateful for being taught what unconditional love is and experiencing it first hand. I'm forever grateful that he gave us another shot. While I regret not being better armed for what could have the best kind of relationship, I am so grateful for having at least a little bit of time with someone as wonderful as John. There's an emptiness that can't be filled if he leaves, but there are spaces he filled that no one else will ever be able to touch. I learned to love unconditionally, and I love John unconditionally.
As a child, these same rules applied to every aspect of my life. I've learned in the recent past that while most children are taught consequences, it wasn't taught nearly to the extent that I learned these lessons. Bible versus teaching me that if you sway from the path of God, God a) will strike down and kill your family or b) have you swallowed up by a whale or c) send droves of bugs to your backyard (or any combination of the above). Not only will God take direct action, but he encourages your family and friends to disown you if you fall away. As an 8 year old, the idea that locus's will invade my swingset and my parents will kick me out if I do any wrong was terrifying. As an 8 year old, therefore, I made sure I was a darn good 8 year old.
While I grew up and developed a deeper understanding of those lessons (it was a big fish, not a whale, and locus's are kind of cool), there were a few fairly straightforward lessons I couldn't shake. In the books of Matthew and 1 Corinthians, the process and examples of expelling a member from your church and family are spelled out quite clearly: if you go against the church and its teachings, you will be kicked out. Not only will you be expelled from the church, but your family and friends must abide by the church's example and have nothing to do with you until you turn from your wicked ways. So even if I disagree and have a logical argument as to why whatever teaching at hand may be wrong, I'm going to be disowned? As an awkward kid with few friends, the threat of being disowned by the church and my family was too much to bear. Because my father was the pastor of my church, there was no hope in the notion that maybe my family would be better than that and show more love and compassion than the members of the church. I was raised to do exactly as I was told for fear of inevitable consequences.
As an adult, my father frequently sends me emails telling me that if I continue my current relationship, he will disown me. On the other hand, the love of my life is telling me that he loves me unconditionally, and always will. We have our hard times. Last night was one of them. He feels betrayed and hurt, and understandably so. I continue to do things that are thoughtless, causing in him further pain and the desire to end the relationship. He's stuck it out so far, and while I'm not sure how much longer he can last, he continues to push onward.
To have someone I've hurt so much tell me in the midst of his pain that he loves me unconditionally has been something incredibly hard for me to understand. He, as an individual person, loves me more than my own parents. At the same time, a relationship is a thing, not a person, and its love and strength is conditional. I can't expect him to stay in a relationship that is causing him daily pain. I can't bear continuing to cause that in him. He deserves some comfort and peace. I'm learning everyday how to be a better person for him and myself, but he doesn't deserve to suffer those growing pains.
While I'm not sure what the fate of this relationship will be, and I'm positive it will soon be revealed, I am forever grateful for being taught what unconditional love is and experiencing it first hand. I'm forever grateful that he gave us another shot. While I regret not being better armed for what could have the best kind of relationship, I am so grateful for having at least a little bit of time with someone as wonderful as John. There's an emptiness that can't be filled if he leaves, but there are spaces he filled that no one else will ever be able to touch. I learned to love unconditionally, and I love John unconditionally.
